Don't Want To LIve To Reget, And Die With Regrets

Dec 24 became a disaster for us. All because of my wrong doing. I should have told her about the necklace. I shouldnt have gave her that necklace. It is sumthing i have to live with for the rest of my life. It went on until that we came close to a break up and i was crying and shouting like crazy on the phone. I admit my fault that i dun speak out whatever there is to tell her. So i gotta say that what ever good comes from Him, whatever that is bad comes from me. I so regret everything. I wanted her to throw away the necklace but she still insist on keeping it. How i regret, but regrets are useless for what happened has happened. WHat i need to do now is open up my eyes and keep it mind, that she, same as life is precious.
She, same as my family is precious. She, same as once in a lifetime chance, is precious. Don't regret or appreciate it only when it's gone. I knew i almost become crazy that day if she was to go away, and i wont be able to type all this today. For what i know, what's the use if i graduate and get a good job? I wont get married ... In that case i would just take care of my parents till i die. Im such a problematic guy, giving problems to ones i love. WAKE UP U JACKASS! STOP ALL THIS CRAP IN YOUR LIFE!!! Told ya my life has never been the same since i got with her. I know more about life, and life is precious coz i only get to live it once... And i dun wanna live to regret or die with regrets. I m missing her rite now but i gotta stay a while longer for my project. This really sux. I hope she will rest well when she gets home. LUv her so much! Im such a sissy.. Always wanna cry.. Wonder when i will really b strong and stop whining...

Think and I think and i cannot wait any longer

It's been two days since we last met. It is not until now that i sit down and think about what she said. What is it that i want to do after NS? Sign up? Get an engineering job or maybe get involved in media? I dont know. Kinda get headaches when i think about it. I dont' wanna think about it yet, need to take things slowly. I hope she can see that, and see me through all this. I really need her so much. I feel so bad for being too busy that i rarely have time for her. I myself cannot wait for this Friday. My first first year anniversary. I cant wait to see what she bought for me and to give my gift for her.. It's gonna somehow like a renewal of vows kinda thing you know? Hehe.. Hope things will get better as we go on. Maybe she will ask why i get stress. Well cause i take it seriously when it comes to our future, when i am not sure of things yet, its bound to happen. I just want the best for us. Hope you are feeling better nowadays, I love you so Much tau Zura. How i wish i can always be around watching over you.

Life and Death

Two days ago we had a fight, well so called. She brought up about the past where my feelings for her was not as strong. She feels sad and low. I do understand, but what is done is done, i rerally regretted for treating her this way. But at least right now what i can say is, that is not the case. I don't play around with her or play around with other girls. I am dead serious about her man, if not i better be DEAD. I have been crying ever since, call me sissy if you want but i am not ashamed to admit that i cry a lot coz it takes a real man to do that. I have been feeing scared that things might or maybe it has already changed for us both. I am at the stage where i can be really paranoid, scared that i would really lose her any time. Up till now as i look into our pics together, i feel scared. Tears would start to roll down my cheeks, i would never want a break up.
Not with someone who made me a better person, someone who loves me and worships me, someone who cares so much about me. some one that i cherish so much. She's all i ever have, all that i ever need. I hope she will realise that when she reads this, that she is my LIFE. If she is gone , then my LIFE is gone, in other words im DEAD or BRAIN DEAD. NO matter what about the past is, i m sorry coz i plan to make it up to u. Coming to a year now we r together, things are not the same. I love u so much that i cry when i think of you.To cherish and to hold you all my life. Zura, im sorry...

What Happened Now....?

I got home last night and was waiting for her to reply to my message, but i didn't get any." She must be asleep by now =( " i said to myself. Even though i did promise to call her , i decided to not to, you know to let her have her well deserved rest. Furthermore the phone was used by my idiotic bro who talks till the Sun goes up. Wonder who he talks to. Went to school and now waiting for time to go off and meet her. We r supposed to go to Bugis later, but i got a message saying that maybe she wouldnt want to go there as she is not in the mood. I wonder what realy happened to her. Can hardly wait to meet her, i hope that she will be alright soon. I wonder why she keeps saying that i dont miss her when she dont even know how i am feeling alone at times, when i cant get to talk to her at night. I got all excited at night after work , hoping to have a good talk with her, but she is always tired nowadays. I really miss her so... I messaged her earlier, i hope i am not a distrac tion to her in anyways coz she is still in sch. How i wish i can be with her for at least 4 days per week if not everyday... Just so that she and i can share our troubles and its much easier when you talk to that person who you love personally. I really love you sayang, hope you can see that. Azura, i will make my promises good. See you later sayang, i wont be late.

Better Man

Better Man

It's a new day today, a new week and i just got to find out about my project. Given a choice between hardware and software. The choice is obvious of coz. I learnt from my past mistakes and i dont wanna dat to repeat again. As i am sitting here typing diz, i am doing my research as well. I am determined to do it. Last 2 days we quarrelled again. Not as bad as in the past though. Its normal that we always have misunderstandings and being our stubborn selves .. i admit it's my fault too to foolow my feelings to much. Actually i always try hard not to hurt anyone, especially her. But, its unavoidable. How can i ever make her understand me, even if i express myself. She would think so much about my questions. About my expressions. How can i make her understand that the love that i have for her for over a yr now will never fade with time or fade with questions and remarks. Im sorry if my words are mostly harsh. I sometimes cry when i am alone, thinking about my life, my family and how i cant let go of all that frustrations and hearbreaking feelings. What can i do when there is no where else for me to turn to. She is all that i ever need and only one i have now. The only one who realy knows how i am. But if this goes on, who else can i turn to? Maybe yeah, its true i think too much without doing sumthing about it. But everybody needs a place to let go of their feelings, a shoulder to cry on. I know this sounds sissy, but who cares? This is the way i am! I cry easily , i get angry easily. I am an emotional man. I think that is why i never am really successful,letting my emotions take over my thinking. Does not mean i leave you when i say i need some time alone once in a while. I'm sorry for all the pain and worries i caused you. But believe me its true. i am no longer the guy you used to know. Don't get me wrong here. It's for the better. My love is what keeps me going. My love for my family, for you . All i am hoping for is your moral support and prayers that i will make it and provide for my family. and for you too baby. You are the one that made me a better man. Remember the hug my mom gave you? I think that was her way of saying ' Thank You'. For changing me into a better man.

Confessions ( Part Two)

Im so useless maybe im brainless, and its complete madness. Words and thoughts were there, but actions always absent. "Believe in urself Fad. You can do it" Those are the words that i keep saying to myself but things always turn out another way. Dont you ever learn from the past? Better wake up before its too late , and there is no turning back. Seriousness means actions, and do sumthing about it, not just talking crap. This is why i have decided that i will go away for a while to be with myself. Not leaving her alone. Juz need some time to think abt what have i done, why am i the one that she want. I am missing her, guess just too much that its hard to concentrate on studies that i didnt feel like going for lecture. Its my fault, im not strong enough.
I will do my best and give my best shot. For you, for me, for us and our future.
If you are reading this, i hope you will know im truly sorry. Sayang Zura.

Confessions (Part One)

Its a cold morning and i had not sleep a wink, all through the night i sit down and think. Words that u said keep ringing in my head. Realise is what i failed to do at times and it hurts you so much that it hurts myself. Respect is what i lack. Sorry is all i can say. Patience rarely there although i truly wish its there all the way. Lies, are never meant for you. My feelings too, are not lies for you. I truly am sorry, i will go through it all by myself till im proud to say that you are lucky to have me, baby im telling you that it's true. You know i never meant to hurt you and those things i never wish to do to you, my only true boo. I will change one day , and i will go down on my knees to say those words to you. This i promise you.

What's Wrong With Me?

Last night it happened again. I don't know what is wrong with me. Never could show those people i luv that i truly luv them. Family and my boo the same. I want to let my parents know how much i luv them and appreciate what they have done for me, although they always seem harsh to me. To show that how much luv my gerl that i do some crazy things juz to be with her. My hardcore problem seems to be not to be able to hold on to promises constantly... I don't mean to hurt you.. Those things are what i never want to happen to you. Everytime it happens, i juz sit down and think and cry. Thinking about my future, your future. How capable am i to keep someone so special happy? Only time will tell. But trust me when i say this. Thats what i always want for her. I never like her to cry because i did something wrong because im not worth it. Instead let me cry for u Zura, coz every drop of my tears is worth it if its for you.

Changes

My mind seems to be blank and my heart keep beating very fast. What is happening to me? I gave my boo a call immediately after i got back from work this morning. No one answered. Tried again, this time she picked up but she was too sleepy to even realise that i called her. Called her again at ard 6 a.m but was not lucky to get to her. I had not slept the whole time, thinking that i would send my parents who were going away on a trip. Didnt realise that she called me and msged me numerous time till the time i got in the bus. I was happy to hear her voice, but then something that she said really makes me sad. " After u finished talking to some other girls then u wanna call me." My heart just sank when those words came on to my ears. But i cant blame her. She just find it hard to trust me. She never did. All i am asking for is for people to understand and trust me. Im not some kinda ex convict that u have to monitor and can hardly trust me ya know... Thats not really what's on my mind right now... My life changed further after that one to one talk with her old man. I went home sat down and think. "If you wanna go thru all the way, u better werk harder man." That is absolutely true, especially after the "screaming incident". I became the bad guy and was accused of just acting. I may be an actor but i certainly m not acting or playing ard when matters of the heart is corncerned. as im sitting and typing my thoughts, i am still thinking of my dear wifey. Wonder what she is doing, and im sure she didnt have much to eat. If u are reading this dear. Just wanna say that im sorry if i keep keeping simple things from you, and i wanna tell you how much i love you and i am missing u so much... Azura...Kau lah sinar hidup ku.

New Beginning

Since the day that i got attached with her, my life seems to have changed in one way or another. It was a new beginning , another chapter of my life.I am no longer the guy that maybe some used to know. No longer the person who don't talk much with strangers. What brought the change in me? I still just couldnt point a finger to what makes her really special to me. Someone who i keep missing even before i go to sleep, or maybe fall asleep while thinking of the one who made me a better man. The feeling of so much love for her is still within me. Dear i miss you so.